Day 12 Standings are upon us.  I think.  I was sort of falling asleep there toward the end of updating.

Ken and I are basically the Ashton Eaton and Brianne Thiesen-Eaton of this League.

STATISTICS

(Joke about lies, damn lies, and statistics!)

Some of you seem like numbers people so I bet you\’re looking for some cold hard numbers to supplement the witty feel good liberal arts take on the League this blog perpetuates.

Here we go.

To build on yesterday\’s girl power article, let me first say that the League Ladies have scored an average of 187.65 points so far, while the gents have a mere 172.74 average.  That\’s bigger than Hillary\’s lead in Pennsylvania!

But that\’s easy math.  What about individual matchups? I know what you\’re really wondering.  Who is the best brother/sister pair in the League?

Well, folks, that would be Queen Alice of Barrettania and and Premier Brian of MSLFantasyland.  I won\’t say they are obliterating Her Royal Highness Kate Middleton Allison of the United Patriotic Republic of Gymnasts and Half Supervisor Ross of Proudest Union of Former People\’s Republics of Groganzola (Unincorporated).  But it is 234-217.5 so draw your own conclusions.  Their country names are easily 400 times as long, but the Grogans have so far been bested by the Barrettes. 

What about romantic partners?  It will come as no surprise that the Clown Prince Ken of East Fartmor and myself are topping the leaderboard in that department at 256.6.  Eternal High Commander Trish, First of Her Name of Ithaca and Besteros\’s Diego, Father of Dragons are nearest with 211 points.  Her Majesty Ramba of Swainzia and President Steven of Nauru are in third with 178.5, and that\’s no riddle.  Rounding out the bottom of the table are Chancellor Megan of Emmalinelandia and President Nathan of Merica (163) and Queen Karen of Destinesia and Your Hugeness Mark G of Trumputopia (146).  Should it some day be revealed that HRHKM Allison and the Mad Crapper himself, Fonz Art Vandelay of TheGroundBeefery, are married, they would be next to last with 157.5.

We have a number of parent/child matchups this year as well.  Queen Karen and myself put up the lowest average at 181 points, while YH Mark G and I are in a race to the bottom with 190 points.  President Nancy of Nanccatskia and Pharoah Courtney of Courtainia put up a respectable 198.5 points.  However, no one can touch King Head Bobblehead of Bobbleheadland and Clown Prince Ken at 208.5 points.    

Finally, Mr. Manager Ted of Carpathian Ruthenia and Pope Jay of Is It Keeneland Yet? share a last name and an average of 147.5 but it\’s unclear what their relationship is.  Are they brothers?  Cousins?  Father and son?  Two people who I know independently from each other and to the best of my knowledge have never met?  Well, it\’s definitely one of those.

You get a lot of interesting things when you google \”the most American picture ever\”.

They say there\’s nothing more American than apple pie, but they haven\’t seen some of the teams in this league.  All teams have at least one American, and I think it would be fair to say that a majority of the league has a majority Americans but I just sort of eyeballed that.  All but 5 teams even captained an American.  And with the US\’s 2,399 all-time Summer Olympics medals, it\’s no wonder.

However, no team in this League can hold a patriotic candle to the teams of Queen Karen of Destinesia and Your Hugeness Mark G of Trumputopia.  They have each selected a team comprised entirely of Americans.  Hashtag Make the Olympics Great Again.

Now, is this a winning strategy?  That remains to be seen.  Queen Karen and YH Mark G sit at 37th and 26th on the Leaderboard after Day 10.  With 17 out of 20 Americans, President Nancy of Nanccatskia is in a comfortable 7th, while the least patriotic team in the league, managed by Most Glorious Imperial Czarina Jen of Whompistan, sits in a pretty meh 27th.  The League\’s second least patriotic team, from the country of Bobbleheadland, whose King HeadBobblehead was forced to write in disqualified Russians, can only gaze at the top from 42nd and wait for Wrestling to start.

Too sad after Beach Volleyball to sleep, so I updated the standings.  Though does it even matter anymore?  

At least we still have indoor volleyball.

Women make up over 50% of the US Olympic Team for the first time this Olympics, and women have really been dominating this Olympics like no other before it. So many of our League teams are built on the backs of awesome female athletes like Simone Biles and Katie Ledecky, and our highest scoring swimmer turned out to be Katinka Hosszu.  

Twenty six out of the forty five members of the League are ladies themselves, yet, we have yet to crack the medal stand in over a week! What gives, ladies? It\’s 2016. We can be Fantasy Olympics champions! If we can be ghostbusters now, we can be anything.

I suppose it\’s for the best though because I love and admire all the ladies in this League and if they were to start having some success, I might have to start talking about their physical appearance or irrelevant family history. I mean, looking at the leaderboard right now, I can\’t help but mention that obviously Queen Alice of Barrettania\’s husband is 100% responsible for her success. Also, I heard that Her Majesty Ramba of Swainzia puts her hair in a ponytail when she exercises. President LeUSAh of Travoltaland doesn\’t even know all the dance moves to the Travoltaland national anthem. And Pope Liz of Reederhoffia might be so sad about her team that she looks visibly disappointed in public. But I sure hope not.

Anyway, back to watching NBC\’s coverage of men standing around waiting for their events to start.


P.S. Your Hugeness Mark G of Trumputopia (another blog post for another time, trust me) has suggested a modern day letter writing campaign to tweet @gabrielledoug to let her know that we\’re proud she\’s representing us no matter what Internet idiots have to say. Consider joining in!

Good news for the Clown Prince of East Fartmor! The rest of us are Allyson Felix.

Standings

Just in time to start all over again, the Day 9 standings are finally up.

Looking at today\’s standings, it\’s clear that President Matt of New Freeland and President Nathan of Merica are in a synchronized dive to the bottom.  Which is particularly bad news if you have seen the color of the diving pool lately.  I don\’t have anything funny to say about it really.  It is seriously gross.  Presidents Matt and Nathan have 183 combined points, and there are at least that many kinds of bacteria in that murky water.

President Matt started strong with a wise pick of South Korean archers before making a big splash by giving the captain nod to the United States Men\’s Basketball team, a group of internationally renowned superstars who this week have followed up almost losing to Serbia with the excitement of almost losing to France.

President Nathan made the choice to captain Trampoline Gymnast Dong Dong, but at what cost?  Well, as it turns out, probably success.  

Pictured: King Lance of Hyrule

Each night before I go to bed, I very carefully plug my phone in next to the bed and turn the ringer on, so that I may be reached in an emergency via call or text.  Last night, at 5:24 a.m., King Lance of Hyrule had just such an emergency: he had not received world record points for Ethiopian female distance runner Almaz Ayana.

Fortunately, I have had a number of hours since then to right this wrong, update the standings, and conduct an audit of those events which have ended.  If your Olympian\’s total is grayed out, that means they are finished competing and the points listed are the total.  EXCEPTION: Men\’s Team Epee Fencing, which I have accidentally already grayed, but is currently happening. This evening, or perhaps sometime tomorrow, when today is updated, then that total will be correct and final.  Do not contact me about Men\’s Team Epee Fencing today please.

If you have other concerns about your point totals, please feel free to comment below or e-mail me or facebook me.

Mr. Manager Daniel of Litigation Branch III is having a pretty rough Fantasy Olympics.  Mr. Manager Daniel works with the Great Commissioner of this League, Chancellor Anna of Murphyarnken, as the Mr. Manager of Litigation Branch II.  But we just say manager.  No word yet on the significance of Mr. Manager playing this League as the head of the country of Litigation Branch III but the international community is keeping its eye on that.

Many words on Mr. Manager Daniel\’s performance in this League, however.  His team is truly all over the board, a regular cornucopia of Olympic events.  He has 14 different teams as selections, may be the only person to have a sailing pair and a wrestler, and is certainly the only person to captain the US Women\’s Soccer Team.

While this blog appreciates and even rewards the spirit of GIRL POWER, the points are not as kind, and sadly neither was the soccer pitch yesterday when the USWNT lost in the quarterfinals to Sweden, a team that #ManyPeopleAreSaying were a bunch of cowards, a claim that this blog has made no attempt to verify or understand.

What\’s a Mr. Manager to do? At already 17 points behind the team everyone thought would be the worst in the league, things are looking bleak.  But Mr. Manager\’s best bets may blossom in Week Two with a probable gold medal sweep from US Women\’s Water Polo and US Women\’s Volleyball.  And hey, Sergio Garcia may make a comeback?