One thing I definitely won’t miss about the Olympics is the feature stories about how old athletes are who are much younger than me.

One thing I definitely will miss is Tom Daley and his knitting.

One thing you should know is that the commentator for the women’s basketball game just said, “you can’t microwave a gold medal.” And sure, he meant like, work hard, nothing happens overnight, but it’s also just very good practical advice. Fortunately the melting point of gold is 1,948 degrees F which is about 9x hotter than your average microwave.

I know this is the kind of content you came for.

Returning to being out here with facts, even though Facebook blasted me for violating community standards with my last post. That’s right, Facebook. The ones who let a bunch of people openly plan to overthrow the government won’t let me post about a fake country full of warlords turned unabashed capitalists. If only Mark Zuckerberg had had a girlfriend in college.

Anyhoo, Simone Biles returned to competition and over half of our league breathed a collective sigh of relief to see our captain earn a couple more points, hopefully not at the expensive of her mental health. But hey, we’re vying for medals here too. (Yes, there are Fantasy Olympics medals.)

Surprisingly not everyone chose to captain Simone, a woman virtually guaranteed five gold medals when you made your choices two weeks ago. Now, some of you picked random captains so I don’t blame you. But the rest of you? I’m pretty convinced you caused the Twisties™. 

I’m speaking specifically of Leader Brian of Washington Olympic Team and Former Vice Mayor Kenny Kyle of The Land of Tony’s Flags who both selected US Swimmer Caeleb Dressel and Queen Chris of Mimbletonia and President Tony of the United States who selected US Mermaid Katie Ledecky. I am also technically talking about Crunchmaster Fresh Bonanza King of EARTH BROUGHT TO YOU BY FRITO LAYS but he selected Omar McLeod who definitely did not end up making the Jamaican Olympic team so I feel bad accusing him of creating a dangerous mental health condition for the greatest gymnast of all time. The rest of you though.

Has this strategy paid off?

Well, the Leaderboard would suggest that perhaps there is some merit to it.

But, you know, at what cost?

Is Leader Brian of Washington Olympic Team the FOGOAT? Only a few more days to catch him. If anyone can, it’s Former Vice Mayor Kenny Kyle of The Land of Tony’s Flags (love you, babe).

Further down the table, the battle is really heating up between Queen Robin of Randomland and Premier Megan of Pollywoglandia for least decorated Fantasy Olympics. But hey, last place is still better than not in the Olympics at all!

For the first time tonight I felt the great and overpowering dread of realization that the Olympics are almost over. Fortunately 2 a.m. women’s water polo is here to comfort me. Water polo is so weird. You just swim to one end of the pool with a volleyball and then try to drown someone, then you swim to the other end of the pool with the volleyball and try to drown someone. Occasionally someone throws the volleyball. Earlier in this Olympics, we learned that the men’s teams are basically just constantly pantsing each other the whole time. The women don’t seem to be doing that, but they’re probably just all glad they were allowed to wear pants in the first place.

Not much movement in the Leadboard today, but it is updated. Big day tomorrow with Simone back on the beam, and Roy from The Office competing in shot put.

No spoilers but tomorrow (which is today? I don’t do time zones) a runner will fall down and still win the heat and I am so inspired that I stayed up to update the Leaderboard and do this post. I figure this feat and the feat of SPOILER REDACTED are roughly equal both emotionally and athletically.

Elsewhere, the Parade of Nations has begun here. Fantasy Olympians may continue to submit their country histories until, well, the Olympics are over. I mean, you can submit it after, but after next week, I’m not going to update this page again until February.

It was a tough day across the Board, especially if seven of your ten Olympians are done competing. That is to say, it was a rough day for me specifically. The powerhouse Barrette siblings are topping the Leaderboard again. Long the most successful sibling Fantasy Olympians, Leader Brian of Washington Olympic Team, and Queen Alice of Barrettania look to dominate again in 2020. Katopia and Rosstopia, which are apparently twin nations, and I’m sure are lovely this time of year, continue to struggle, having relied heavily on gymnastics despite their leaders, Sultan Kathleen and Queen Courtney, respectively, being specifically warned not to do that by the Fantasy Olympic Czar.

A horse threw a rider in the Equestrian event I am watching and then it just… ran away. Did anyone catch it? Is it free now? This is a Today Show olympian interview I would actually watch.

One of the dumbest things about me is that I’m about to stay up until 2 watching a sport that takes place practically 24/7 in the county I live in.

One can’t help but admire the brave Olympians from Groganzola for returning to this contest year after year when clearly this has been a decade of turmoil for the nation.

In 2014, the inaugural Fantasy Olympics, peace had come to the Grand Unified Sovereign Emirates of Groganzola and the Zolans found a modicum of Fantasy Olympics success led by their God-King Ross.

In 2016, however, the tides had begun to turn in Groganzola, and it seems the people rose up against the God-King, demoting him to Half-Supervisor, and renaming themselves Proudest Union of Former People’s Republics of Groganzola (Unincorporated). Rumors that HS Ross’s title referred to a revolutionary-time royal dismemberment have not been confirmed by the Fantasy UN. This team, however, ended in 11th place, which represents Groganzola’s best finish to date.

2018 saw another tumultuous Olympics for the Groganzolans, now named The Mounted Sovereigns of Groganzola-on-the-Caucasus and led by their Skullgrinder, Ross, now seemingly in full control, if not, perhaps, in full body (if the rumors are true).

Shortly after their disappointing 15th place finish, Skullgrinder closed the borders and shut out the media and even the IFOC so it remains unclear what happened in the last three years but they have emerged for these Fantasy Olympics as Groganzolan Corporatist Republic: a Nestle Country.

What investment opportunity did Nestle see in Groganzola? And why did they see fit to name a partially dismembered former despot as Director of Operations? We may never know (because no Groganzolans were interviewed for this article).

Honestly, y’all I am just so tired. Between 24/7 Olympics coverage and a toddler who NEVER SLEEPS, I am exhausted. But I’ll sleep up and get back to my insightful analysis this weekend, and maybe a few #KnowYourFantasyOlympics posts. In the meantime you should enjoy the podcast, For the Love of the Game(s), hosted by Fantasy Olympics’ own, and current 5th place player, Queen Chris of Mimbletonia. Click here.

Here also is the Day 5 leaderboard which I updated and then never was able to post because, as I may have mentioned, my toddler NEVER SLEEPS.

Another full day of Olympic excitement! The biggest news of all is, of course, that Tom Daley knitted himself a gold medal cosy.

In case there is anyone here not interested in the yarncraft hobbies of the Olympians, I will pivot and mention some of the other highlights from today. Lots of great news out of Tokyo. US Women’s 3×3 Basketball crushed gold medal match today, and the Women’s 200m relay final was just insane (though also technically tomorrow despite having appeared live in primetime). And tomorrow marks officially one week left until Race Walking begins.

Elsewhere on the Leaderboard I remain dominant due to a deadly combination of having invented the game and picking almost exclusively first week Olympians. Geeg Karen of GiGi4OhOh continues to secure the Silver medal spot, and General Guion of Papa New Guion stays at Bronze for another glorious Olympic day.

We saw Simone pull out of the Individual All-Around today and we also saw about 600,000 think pieces and hot facebook takes about it. And we all learned the terms, “lost in the air” and “the twisties” which I plan to incorporate into my general vocabulary immediately. But the competition is wide open now, so be sure to tune into the Today Show tomorrow so they can spoil it for you, and then complain when no one watches it in primetime.

Well, I blew it. Last night I bragged on the women’s teams and went to bed on a smug feminist high and boy, was it a bad day for (US) Women in the Olympics. A pair of disappointing silver medals, and even the 3×3 team lost.

Click the link on the Leaderboard page to see the full damage to your team. Fortunately, I am still on top but the handwriting is on the wall.

There are a number of websites you can choose to visit for coverage of every possible angle of the Simone Biles withdrawal and I’m sure many of them are already reporting on the effect on Fantasy Olympics. However, I want to give you the definitive answer and that answer is: generally no effect. It seems impossible since all but 4 people selected Simone as their captain, but due to the longstanding Fantasy Olympics rule that a team is a team not the individuals, Simone herself would not have earned points for a team gold medal (and nor will she for the silver) but she will earn points for the individual competitions, so I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope she finds herself in the air by then.