This game is blowing wide open.  There are about 1,000 medal events today.  So look out, Barrettes.  We\’re gunning for you.

Congratulations to Meryl Davis and Charlie White, the first ever United States Gold Medalists in Ice Dancing! While it\’s certainly remarkable that Steve Zahn taught that dragon to do all those moves, it\’s perhaps even more remarkable that they also somehow tricked the United States into thinking Ice Dancing was at all legitimate.

In fact, that dragon convinced not only the public at large, but a full five Presidents in this league to select the duo, including current leader President Brian Barrette of the bleakly-named Barrettstan.

One president had the faith and foresight to even name them as her captain.  President Jen Root has earned twenty points from Davis and White, which is actually more than all the rest of her Olympians added together, and in fact has pushed her from nineteenth to a thirteenth place tie literally overnight.  Noted organizers of the Fantasy Olympics game admit to laughing when they saw the pick, but it\’s not only President Root that put her team on the backs of Davis and White, but it seems the United States did as well.

I\’m calling it now: the summer\’s biggest reality competition show will be So You Think You Can Ice Dance? and will be judged by America\’s Golden Sweethearts and the Canadian Ice Dancer who looks like a version of Amy Adams that just might burn down your house if you broke up with her.

But not just Fox is going to capitalize on the success of Davis and White.  Check out this IMDB plot summary for the children\’s movie How to Train Your Dragon 2, due out later this year:

It\’s been five years since Hiccup and Toothless successfully united dragons and vikings on the island of Berk. While Astrid, Snotlout and the rest of the gang are challenging each other to dragon races, the now inseparable pair journey from rink to rink, charting unmapped dance genres and exploring new sequined tutus. When one of their adventures leads to the discovery of a secret ice cave that is home to hundreds of new wild dragons, the two friends find themselves at the center of a dance battle to protect the peace. Now, Hiccup and Toothless must unite to dance-skate for what they believe while recognizing that only together do they have the power to change the future of both men and dragons and Olympic competition television coverage.

It\’s sad how little of that summary I had to change really. 

\”Winter Olympics is my SHIT!\” – Ross Grogan.

Looking at today\’s standings, if you were planning to make a medal run, you should probably start it fairly soon.  A good example of someone who should start their turnaround is God-King Ross Grogan of the Grand Unified Sovereign Emirates of Groganzola.  He is pictured at left in Early February, already boasting about his prospective Winter Olympics Fantasy season at his \”Ross Will Win the Olympics Fantasy Game Black Tie Affair.\”  At the time, the celebration seemed premature and perhaps a bit excessively expensive, but his hope was so touching.  It seems so poignant now, looking back, as he is tied for twenty-second with a guy who only picked Luge teams. His self-appointed nickname \”Freeze\” may not be the chilling sound of our doom so much as the chilling awkwardness people feel around him because his team is doing so badly.  

I ran into Ross earlier, just after he\’d looked at today\’s updated standings.  I noticed he was showing a lot of emotion and I asked him what was going through his mind.  He said that a lot was, obviously, and that it was a long struggle coming here and he\’d had a tough ten days.  I watched him wipe away tears and thought about how sad it was because I knew he wanted to be here with Early February Ross experiencing these games and how much it would mean to him to come up with a good performance for the rest of the games.  I showed him this picture and I said, \”When you\’re looking up in the sky at the start of this game, I see you there, and it just looks like you\’re talking to somebody about what a great fantasy season you\’re going to have.  What\’s going on there?\” And he just put his head down and sobbed.  Poor little guy.  

Some events were postponed yesterday due to fog.  Get it together, Russia.  But you may see those points reflected later in the week than you were anticipating.  So few points separate the top places.  This is getting real, guys.  Real awesome.

Dane Bowles

Dane Bowles, Real American.

Sure, his country name may be a play on a well-known ex-Soviet Republic, and sure he\’s probably mathematically eliminated from this competition, but Dane Bowles is the realest American out there.

When asked to make his choices for Part Two of this competition, Dane Bowles remembered his roots and selected as follows:

One thing Dane Bowles has not forgotten is that this is the Land of the Free and even though truly Norway, or the Netherlands, or even Austria might have been more competitive choices, Dane Bowles raised his American flag on the Iwo Jima that is the competition and once again, truly embodied what it means to be the Home of the Brave.

Dane Bowles, ladies and gentlemen.  Dane Bowles.

Is it possible they\’re just joking?

In addition to making photo collages, one thing I\’m really good at is loving America.   As you can see from the college at left, I am no stranger to the American related fashion statement.  On the right is the ultra fabulous USA Olympics gear my wonderful boyfriend gave me for Valentine\’s Day. And while I am on record as loving the Ralph Lauren patriotic teacher sweaters our Olympians are decked out in this year with a fervor that some find \”odd\” or \”unwarranted\” I\’ve noticed that a few other countries have really brought it in the fashion department this Olympics.  Particularly with the hats.  I love a good hat.

Ted, is being in last place still a thing? Medals in Ice Dancing, Bobsled, Aerials, Biathalon, Ski Jumping, and Snowboard on Monday. Who will twizzle their way to the top?

You\’ll note that the Sochi 2014 website is surprisingly listing the medal count by number of gold medals won.  Based on the stats, I would have thought they\’d go for silver medals, or countries who are also the host country, or countries led by Putin.  Either way, the United States is really phoning it in at these games.  Oh sure, we have the most bronzes.  Great.  We\’re the best at almost losing.

Unless these games turn around, I think our best bet as a country is to spend the next four years lobbying for all sports but Snowboarding to be dropped from the Winter Olympics.  Definitely no Speed Skating.  Yeesh.  Another option is invade The Netherlands.  They\’d never see it coming and I think we could chase them down easily, provided they weren\’t on skates.  Or skis.

No matter who wins the league title, there are only two competitors in this league who have the all-important title of Dad.  (Sorry, Steve Fohl.  Cats don\’t count.)  Fortunately for me and the league as a whole, they are the two most important dads, President Mark Girard and President Mark Fletcher.  President Dads are currently tied for twelfth. Here are some other ways they are similar:

1. Both are named Mark. Duh.
2. Both are Americans.
3. Both selected Gracie Gold for very probable but ironic silver medal points.
4. Both were too macho to make a figure skater their captain.
5. Both have really great kids.  Duh.

Like it has time and time again, the difference comes down to Team Luge.  President Fletcher selected Team Russia while President Girard selected Team Germany.  Ward Cleaver would have selected America.

But he would have lost.