Were I a more sophisticated internetist, you\’d be automatically listening to Michael Jackson\’s \”This Is It\” segueing into Boyz II Men\’s \”End of the Road\” segueing into just me crying because the Olympics are over.

I am so depressed.

Here is the final Leaderboard.

Try as she might, Queen Alice of Barrettania could not repeat her Sochi Success but did walk away with a silver medal.  And King Lance of Hyrule eked out a tight fought battle against Ithaca\’s Eternal High Commander, Trish, First of Her Name to get a second bronze medal.  Alice and Lance belong to a special subset of the population who is weirdly good at Fantasy Olympics, a group that to my knowledge only includes Alice and Lance.  Her Majesty Ramba of Swainzia didn\’t make the medal stand this go-round but did finish tied for a respectable 6th.

And I would be remiss if I didn\’t mention that Shogun Kim of Baltmoh won perhaps the best prize (outside of Fantasy Olympics medals of course) when she welcomed a little Baby Fantasy Olympian near the end of the second week.  Congratulations, Shogun!

At the end of the day, however, no one could catch up to Clown Prince Ken of East Fartmor who ran away from the crowd in the second week.  He credits his success to Katinka Hosszu, the Iron Lady, and we\’re all pretty lucky he decided not to captain her at the last minute.  That just wouldn\’t have been fair.

Sincere thanks to everyone for playing along this summer!  Can\’t wait for 2018.  No seriously, I am beside myself.  Just a pro tip: do not confuse PyeongChang with Pyongyang.  One of these is in North Korea, and one is where the Olympics are.  The good news is that you have until 2018 to figure it out!

And joke\’s on you guys.  I wanted to finish in 10th all along.

I bet you\’ve been thinking, \”Except for when Anna yelled at us about asking about the standings last night, Fantasy Olympics has been so great.  Truly, what could make it better?\”

And to you I say: crochet Olympic medals for the winners.

Yep.

Don\’t worry, I\’m working on the standings as you read this.

Fantasy Olympians, if you are checking out the leaderboard this evening, a couple things to keep in mind:

1.  The standings are not final.
2. The point totals for each individual athlete may not be final.  I\’ve been updating and auditing for 4 or so hours straight, and frankly, I\’m tired.
3. The point totals and standings will not be finalized tonight.
4. The medal count is not updated.
5. The medal count will not get updated tonight.
6. If you contact me about a point total or medal count or position on the leaderboard tonight, it will not be well received.
7. Super Mario is awesome.

This blog has yet to comment, even with a sarcastic side-eye, about the Ryan Lochte International Incident, or about the reverent intensity of NBC\’s coverage as they helped us navigate this difficult and confusing time, or about how there are actual Americans who still claim they are more embarrassed by Gabby Douglas.

Ryan Lochte warns that despite learning so many hard \”lessons\” at this Olympics, he might be back for a future Olympics, and at this point, I think we can all assume he\’s planning to somehow qualify for the Seoul 2018 Winter Olympics, drunkenly stumble across the border into North Korea and require at least 3 former presidents and Dennis Rodman to go get him.

My favorite local satirical news site imagines today what trouble Lochte could drunkenly stumble into in Lexington, and invites you to Choose Your Own Adventure right along with him: Can You and Ryan Lochte Stay Out of Trouble? I got arrested in Rio like 8 different times, or still five times less than Ryan Lochte probably should have been over the last two weeks.

The standings are updated with the Medal Count now! Lots of you really entertained me with your choices, whether it was GREAT LEADER Chris of Chrislandia running out of creative ways to say the United States, or Your Hugeness Mark G of Trumptopia\’s choice of Smith and Wesson for the Shooting victors, this was some data entry I enjoyed.  President Colin of The Settler of Catan was the only competitor to call the Russian Fencing upset.  And while she did not win the most medals in Field Hockey, as King Steve of Denmark predicted, my mom, Queen Karen of Destinesia, was the only person to correctly predict that the Netherlands would win the most Marathon Swimming medals.

Shoutouts are also in order to President Ginny of Fantasy or RIOlity and Pope Jay of Is It Time for Keeneland Yet? for being possibly the only two real Americans in this League for believing that the United States could beat China in Table Tennis.

If you were wondering why Olympians are always posing while biting on their medals, you are not alone.  I was also wondering this, and so apparently was The Huffington Post, who did a whole clickbait slideshow about it this week. The answer appears to be because photographers want them to do it, which I\’ll admit was a disappointing reason.  And, if you were worried they were leaving teeth marks, apparently the gold medals are much too hard for that because they only have approximately 1% solid gold in them,  This was also pretty disappointing.  Sorry to tell you all this, really.  But you don\’t have to take my word for it, this is the article. 

GUYS there are only 2 more days!  You gotta get your athletes motivated! Standings are here.  Medal Count is getting updated now!

Check the rhyme here.   I don\’t know about you guys.  All last week at a minute after midnight I was getting harassed to get the standings up and yesterday you didn\’t even notice I forgot to put any Track and Field medals in.  You really messed up.  That\’s on you.

Day 12 Standings are upon us.  I think.  I was sort of falling asleep there toward the end of updating.

Ken and I are basically the Ashton Eaton and Brianne Thiesen-Eaton of this League.

STATISTICS

(Joke about lies, damn lies, and statistics!)

Some of you seem like numbers people so I bet you\’re looking for some cold hard numbers to supplement the witty feel good liberal arts take on the League this blog perpetuates.

Here we go.

To build on yesterday\’s girl power article, let me first say that the League Ladies have scored an average of 187.65 points so far, while the gents have a mere 172.74 average.  That\’s bigger than Hillary\’s lead in Pennsylvania!

But that\’s easy math.  What about individual matchups? I know what you\’re really wondering.  Who is the best brother/sister pair in the League?

Well, folks, that would be Queen Alice of Barrettania and and Premier Brian of MSLFantasyland.  I won\’t say they are obliterating Her Royal Highness Kate Middleton Allison of the United Patriotic Republic of Gymnasts and Half Supervisor Ross of Proudest Union of Former People\’s Republics of Groganzola (Unincorporated).  But it is 234-217.5 so draw your own conclusions.  Their country names are easily 400 times as long, but the Grogans have so far been bested by the Barrettes. 

What about romantic partners?  It will come as no surprise that the Clown Prince Ken of East Fartmor and myself are topping the leaderboard in that department at 256.6.  Eternal High Commander Trish, First of Her Name of Ithaca and Besteros\’s Diego, Father of Dragons are nearest with 211 points.  Her Majesty Ramba of Swainzia and President Steven of Nauru are in third with 178.5, and that\’s no riddle.  Rounding out the bottom of the table are Chancellor Megan of Emmalinelandia and President Nathan of Merica (163) and Queen Karen of Destinesia and Your Hugeness Mark G of Trumputopia (146).  Should it some day be revealed that HRHKM Allison and the Mad Crapper himself, Fonz Art Vandelay of TheGroundBeefery, are married, they would be next to last with 157.5.

We have a number of parent/child matchups this year as well.  Queen Karen and myself put up the lowest average at 181 points, while YH Mark G and I are in a race to the bottom with 190 points.  President Nancy of Nanccatskia and Pharoah Courtney of Courtainia put up a respectable 198.5 points.  However, no one can touch King Head Bobblehead of Bobbleheadland and Clown Prince Ken at 208.5 points.    

Finally, Mr. Manager Ted of Carpathian Ruthenia and Pope Jay of Is It Keeneland Yet? share a last name and an average of 147.5 but it\’s unclear what their relationship is.  Are they brothers?  Cousins?  Father and son?  Two people who I know independently from each other and to the best of my knowledge have never met?  Well, it\’s definitely one of those.